The lady doth protest too much, methinks

Till Alex is back from Faliraki. And I'm not freaking out as much as I thought, as I got a really nice text from him last night

Last night we had our prom, and then we all went on to the club down the road. It was so much fun! I haven't ever danced so much in one night, though that might have been something to do with my discovery of Goldschlager shots earlier in the evening...48% alcohol, £2.20 a shot. Bargain. It'd be rude not to, really.
It would have been so much better if Alex was there though. For some reason my circle of friends seemed to include every single couple present, so I was stuck with a load of people drooling over each other (not that I wouldn't have done the same!) while I tried to cheerfully dance with the rare single ones. It was still really fun though. And there was a Scottish man dressed as a Viking who seemed to pick up on the fact that my friend's boyfriend is a pacifist-to-extremes and unlikely to hit him, and so was following her around.
Aren't I all growed up, discovering clubbing!

Ick. It's so damn hot. Usually I love the heat, but this morning I woke up feeling a little bit funny, my hearing still woolly (but clear enough to hear the sadistic man outside HAMMERING at 8.30 in the morning ) having had to share a bed with one of my friends and it was the most miserable morning I've had in ages! It was so hot, I was out of breath from sleeping!

Oh crap. I have a concert tomorrow and I haven't played in so long. And we're doing Firebird, and I'm playing 1st horn, and I'm going to screw up the solo, and....
I think I'd better play for a bit now. Damnit.

Also, I talk to much. Well, write too much.

...But...I only just realised that I liked some of his music the other day!
And now the more insensitive of my friends are bombarding me with inappropriate jokes. Ah, the circle of life.

My lovely boyfriend Alex is going to Faliraki on Saturday night and his phone's just exploded. He can't afford to buy a new one, and so he'll just be without a phone.
As it's Faliraki, and three 18 year old boys, even though I trust him and I know he wouldn't cheat on me I can't help really wishing he would be just a text away, rather than a call-to-his-friend-and-request-to-talk-to-him away. Plus I know that his intentions are completely good, but I know how strong an influence his friends have on him; that's the only reason I'm nervous about his holiday, that they might tell him to forget about me as we're only together until we go to uni anyway and go for it with some random slag in a club.
Ok, so the week between this and next Saturday my imagination will be running riot every evening. Like that ^

Ooh but I'm so glad I've finished school for good now. I was shopping all day with my friend in Portsmouth and I'm completely knackered but it was good fun!

Also, yesterday I discovered that sea + sun + sand + strawberries + boyfriend is a very agreeable combination. I also discovered that cherries + sand + sea is less so.

I want to go to Japan.

Fucksake, what is wrong with me?? I seem to be physically incapable of working today, when I have exams Tuesday and Wednesday and I'VE HAD ALL DAY TO REVISE!
I suppose psychologists might say I'm deliberately sabotaging myself. I say I need a kick up the arse.

...until I finish my exams! I actually cannot wait, not because I have any deep-seated loathing of 6th form, but because I get to read/write whatever I want over the summer. I haven't written in so long I'm almost scared to start again because it'll be so awful. I started a complete ad-lib thing last night, in a tiny notebook with a scratchy fountain pen at midnight (oh how poetic!) but I think I'll have to copy it onto the computer and do things to it before I can decide if it's any good.
My mum said something to me the other day that really made me worry: using online writing forums etc. could get you your work stolen. That had honestly never occurred to me before, mainly because I don't see anyone actually wanting to steal my ideas. But now if something's actually any good I might restrict it to WEbook.com, which is the only one with a decent policy for preventing that.
On the plus side though, I'll be able to read anything and everything I can get my hands on without the slightest hint of guilt. If this summer has the nice weather they're predicting, it could be the best summer ever.

Oohhhh dear. It's already 2pm and I've done NO latin as yet today. Maybe I'll do some Ovid translation just to make sure I'm good and scared for the unseen exam on Tuesday

Ugh. It's so unfair. (Lol, I only get to use that phrase for one more year! It can only be used by teenagers.)

I love the summer and I can't wait for exams to be over etc. etc. but what I really CAN wait for is uni. I mean, it's going to be amazing if I get in, and I really want to go, but it means breaking up with Alex for good and I absolutely hate that we have a time limit. The unfair bit is that I partially dread the end of school (everyone else can love it!) because then there will be no more stages before we have to break up, it'll just be the summer. And that is scary.

I really do try my hardest not to think 'it's so unfair, everyone else gets to keep their boyfriend' because I know it's an individual thing and that it would be a million times worse to stay in a relationship falsely with one person not being 100% in with the idea, blah blah blah. But it's so hard to just accept it. I almost feel like we're chickening out. It just feels like a waste. Part of me doesn't give a crap how hard it would be or how sensible it is to split up, and it's hard to keep sitting on that bit of me and keeping it down.

Anyway enough of that. I have English revision to do and my nails to paint and my legs to shave!

Ah summer. Sunburn and BBQs on scummy beaches and no more leaving my legs for weeks on end...not that I do, of course. That would be highly embarrassing.

Ooh and I had my Latin unseen AS retake today (first exam - so it begins!!) and it wasn't that bad. Naturally, that means that I will have got a D or something. But my creative writing skills hardly made an appearance at all! For most of it I actually knew what it was on about!

My leg hurts a bit. I just used my new epilator and actually it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. The turning thing is really scary the first time you turn it on and try and make yourself put it against your leg, but it's not as brutal as it looks or sounds. Despite the fact that it's a rotating barrel holding lots of tiny pairs of tweezers! I'm sure I'll get used to it. My skin went bright pink for a bit though.

The sky is really odd at the moment. It's like a sunset but in black and white or something. The whole sky is just different shades of bluey grey, it looks really ominous. Maybe I've missed the sunset and it's actually getting dark xD

I wish I had time to read the things I want to and write the things I want to. My mum was trying to get me to enter a writing competition, but I don't think I've had enough practice in the last couple of years in anything other than essays. If I had a couple of months when I didn't have to do any work, it'd be no problem. The other night I was trying to force myself to do my English Lit coursework and all I could think about was this really good idea I had for a story. I've forgotten it now, of course, before I could write it down.

I also wish I wasn't so damn lazy. I need to do more exercise and it occured to me that I could go swimming - I already love swimming when I get the chance, and because everyone else can see how fat you are in your bikini it'd be a good incentive to lose weight. The only downside is that I'd have to pay to do it every time, because I'm not taking out a membership for the entirity of the Westgate leisure centre when I'll only be using the pool. And I'd have to get a lift, either all the way there or to the station.
Damn it! I need to stop thinking up excuses!

I had the weirdest guy in my music lesson today. He's apparently thinking of becoming a teacher so he visited the school to see what it was like. Taz and I kept laughing at him though; not only did he smell of chlorine (at least I think it was him) but he had floppy hair and a receding hairline and he wore braces and did our listening paper in a really stupid way. He was one of those people that on first glance seem fairly nice and friendly but then really creep you out with their oddness.

I'm not even going to bother detailing the reasons of the fight Alex and I have just had. Suffice it to say that I don't think I've been that upset since I was little. He's said sorry now, as have I, and hopefully we'll be ok - having pretty much not even acknowledged my existence for two days, I think he'll be talking to me etc. tomorrow. I've been texting him and he sounds ok.

Last night we basically thrashed it out on MSN. At first he was saying that I didn't deserve for him to even talk to me about it, and that he was being so extremely horrible to me because he wanted me to hate him so I'd know how he felt. But then I pointed out that I wouldn't hate him, I'd just get more and more upset. He went through a list of things about me that really piss him off, which made me feel just great, and called me a bunnyboiler for wondering why I'm never allowed to look at his phone and stuff. I suppose the good thing about MSN is that you can argue just as well when you're sobbing away to yourself!

Anyway I didn't want to just write about that, because I'm trying to get over it now and he's apologised and said he doesn't stand by all the stuff he said.

I actually used a free period for work earlier! It was amazing. I went to the IT room and finished my essay for Mrs Neame and handed it in - in a free! I dragged poor Ibby up there with me and she waited while I wrote the end of it. Alex went home at the end of break and just before he went I managed to catch him and say sorry for upsetting him. Although he was much harsher to me than I was to him, I did still have something to apologise for. It was good that I caught him because he said he was sorry too. But I was really rude to the chaplain who was trying to talk to me while sticking something on the door. I had to go after Alex so I just sort of went "er, yeah, hang on" and left. Honestly though, I couldn't believe he chose that moment to try and get me to go to mass tomorrow. It's my morning off, so he can dream on. I will be sleeping. (In fact, I'll be the one dreaming on. Oho. Do you see what I did there.)

I miss Alex. It's weird missing someone when they're sitting 2 feet away from you. I'm not used to not being allowed to sit next to him, or hug him or anything. I couldn't even talk to him. Hopefully tomorrow it'll be better. It's ironic that he was finding it so impossible to forgive me for threatening to dump him - when I thought I had good reason to, and I was upset and confused - yet I'm forgiving him already for humiliating me and being cruel to me in front of other people. I guess some people just find it easier than others. Maybe I shouldn't forgive him so easily, but in my head I always just think that if someone's apologised and meant it, there's no point in holding a grudge any longer.

Anyway, everyone has fights. Almost everyone gets over them. It won't seem so bad after a week or so. We just need to get our perspectives out of the moment.

I have to admit, I am quite impressed. Valentine's Day went off really rather well!
I went out with Alex, the original plan being to catch a film and then go bowling, then have dinner. But there weren't really any films we wanted to see, and the only one we could have seen started too late to allow us to go to our already-booking bowling slot. So we went for a coffee...but then had to leave as the cafe shut! So we went and sat in the car for a bit and just chatted. It was really nice just being that relaxed together; there wasn't any pressure to be doing stuff all the time like there is when you've not been going out that long etc. I beat Alex at bowling in both games, but only because I had the barriers at the side up. (There was a sign saying barriers are only meant for kids of 12 and under! But I needed it...) After we ate, we had the Fun Saga of the Lost Car Key, which we eventually found to have been handed in at the bowling place. Even the stress of not having a key didn't really affect the general nice-ness of the evening. And then we hid out in the carpark near my house and chatted more. It was lovely

I hate the fact that I know come uni-time in the autumn we'll have to split up. I don't want to, because I know several couples that make it work fine long-distance, but Alex says it's stupid to never see each other and try and keep a relationship going, and obviously I know it could never work unless you're both committed to the idea. I'm trying to just ignore it and enjoy now, but there's always this thought in the back of my mind that there will be a time when I'm not allowed to just hug him or kiss him or cuddle up to him whenever I want. I hate it when people say 'make the most of it now' about things. How do you enjoy things more? I try to think of it as we're just going on an extended break; that's how he said it'll probably be, as we're not going to pretend we've just stopped loving each other overnight. We'll still be best friends. But I can't bear the thought of him with someone else, no matter how much I don't want to be in the way of what he thinks is best for himself. I'm not unselfish enough yet to be able to handle this with equanimity.

6/7 months left. 6/7 months left. 6/7 months left. I keep telling myself that's a long time.

Ok, sob over. I have to stop dwelling on all that! Jeez.

Yawn. I don't know why I'm so bloody tired these days. Every morning I wake up to see my alarm clock happily telling me its 7.35 and I've overslept again. I think I should probably change the radio station to something more aggressive; Radio 3 doesn't exactly jolt you out of bed in the same way that Radio 1 or Planet Rock might. I'm too much of a coward, though; I've had the horrible experience once too many times of being shaken from my slumber by 50 Cent soundalikes! Maybe I'll just go back to the trusty old 'buzzer'.
What I actually meant to say, though, was that the Barclaycard slide advert is back in its full uncut glory! Including the squeaky library bit. I want a go! I hate it when they start cutting funny ads because they just assume you've seen them before. And going to school/work would be so much more fun if you took the water slide. In fact, I think it'd solve a goodly number of the nation's stress-induced health problems. Unless you're scared of slides, of course. But who has such a stressful job that they could actually get off the slide at the end of an exhilarating ride and still be in a bad mood?

I'm beginning to feel really guilty because my somewhat chubby boyfriend - fastest consumer of an XL Bacon Double Cheeseburger ever - has started going jogging early every morning, eating fruit and joined a mixed martial arts class. Admittedly it's taken him a while to do it, but I called him fat a while ago (before you gasp in shock, he HAD just called me idiotgirl and tickled me mercilessly) so I can only hope I can take the credit for it all. I'm still eating pretty much what I like, though fortunately I don't fancy the chocolate hobnobs at the moment, and doing no exercise at all. I'm the best excuse-maker in all the land:

1. I can't afford to join the gym/classes/buy a Wii Fit.
2. Even if I could, I can't drive and I live in the middle of nowhere.
3. Walking's not always an option as it is really dangerous - there's no path for a good third of the way into the village, and it's a scary road.
4. I hate aerobics.
5. Set and rep exercises make me feel sick because my blood sugar dips, and they also make me look like a fool.
6. I give up way too easily/am very lazy.

I am condemned to be not-fat-but-slightly-too-curvy for the rest of my days